93: How to Find Lasting Love: A Matchmaker's Dating Advice

💫Episode 93: How to Find Lasting Love: A Matchmaker's Dating Advice

How many of us were taught that love is something we're supposed to just find? That if we're pretty enough, smart enough or patient enough, the right person will magically show up?

So we wait. We stay home. And when love doesn't arrive, or our relationships keep going wrong in the same way, we start to wonder if something is wrong with us. Maybe love just isn't meant for us.

My guest on this episode says nothing is wrong with you, and everyone can have love. You may just be missing a few skills.

Amari Ice is a dating coach, certified matchmaker and hypnotherapist. He's the founder of Amari Means Love, the author of Lasting Love at Last, and the first Black, gay certified matchmaker in the industry. He's coached more than 1,000 singles since 2011, and he's been matchmaking his whole life. He's also known as the "Prince of Hearts" and often wears a crown, because he believes love shouldn't be taken so seriously.

Whether you're dating again, wondering if you'll ever find your person, or wanting more from the relationship you're in, this conversation will change how you think about love.

Stop asking the wrong question

Many of Amari's clients call themselves overthinkers. But he says the problem isn't thinking too much. It's trying to answer the wrong question.

"Why did he ghost me?" is a question you'll never be able to answer unless he tells you. So your brain keeps spinning.

A better question is: "What can I do to meet people who share my relationship intentions and have the qualities that would work with me?" That one you can actually answer.

The same goes for your list. If it's heavy on physical and material traits, like "six feet tall" and "six figures," you may be targeting someone who mostly cares about money and appearances. A list that works starts with knowing who you are.

Clarity looks like speed

You probably know a couple who married a month after meeting and stayed together 50 years. You probably also know someone stuck in a five-year situationship, still unsure if it's going anywhere.

What's the difference? We think time tells us if someone is right. Amari says it's clarity. When you're both clear on what you want and clear that you're each other's fit, nothing stands in the way. As he puts it, clarity looks like speed to the uninitiated.

Level 25 relationship, level 3 dating skills

Our culture tells us love is a fairy tale. Amari says it's more like a video game. And the number one reason people are single is that they're trying to have a level 25 relationship with level 3 dating skills.

• Level 25 is the unrealistic fantasy: a partner who never has a bad day, has the perfect body and bank account, cooks, cleans, fixes cars, is adventurous and stable, and takes care of everything while you never have to lift a finger.

• Level 12 is the realistic ideal: a healthy, happy relationship that two humans can actually grow into.

• Level 3 means you don't yet have the basic skills to support a relationship at all.

And here's the hard truth about waiting for Prince Charming to save you: if you add nothing to someone's life, then when things get hard, you become an expense they can let go of. Lasting love is an equal partnership.

The quest for courtship: four phases

Amari breaks the journey into four phases:

1. Get clear. What is your relationship intention?

2. Get ready. Are you ready to handle the relationship you want?

3. Get dates. How are you putting yourself in love's way?

4. Get partnered. How do you take it the distance?

One important distinction: an intention is not a hope. A hope is a wish surrounded by doubt. An intention is a decision to do whatever it takes and to cut out what doesn't align. If you're not even committed to your own idea of commitment, why would anyone else commit to you?

The four Cs of healthy love

Every healthy, lasting relationship needs four elements, and each one is supported by a pillar of relationship readiness. Amari even maps them to the four classical elements.

A few things stood out to me here:

• Confidence is the most attractive trait, more than looks. And it's not a state of mind you can just decide on. It's the trust you have in yourself, based on the evidence of your actions.

• Love blocks are anything that gets in the way of these four Cs: unrealistic expectations, emotional unavailability, low confidence, or no room in your life for a partner.

• Everything flows like manifestation: thoughts, emotions, actions, manifestation. When all four align with your intention, you create what you want.

As Amari says, if you chase two rabbits, you won't catch either. Saying you're "open to long-term or short-term" tells a serious partner you don't know what you want.

"Organic" doesn't mean doing nothing

So many people say, "I just want it to happen organically." Amari says what they often mean is, "I don't want to use apps or leave the house, but I want love to show up."

Organic means not forced. It doesn't mean you do nothing. If you want to get wet, go where the water is. Genuine connection is always organic, whether you meet online, on vacation or in an elevator.

The universe is already conspiring to help you, but you still have to cooperate with your own dream.

How to be your own matchmaker

Amari teaches clients to think like a matchmaker:

1. Define who you're looking for. Make sure your list is realistic and aligned with your intention.

2. Figure out where they are. Amari notes that most couples now meet online, so apps are usually the best pool.

3. Learn how your app works. Dating apps are marketing tools. Amari's rule of thumb: about 1 in 100 profiles turns into a mutual match. Expect that, and you won't give up after three swipes.

4. Read before you swipe. Only swipe on people whose profiles show they want what you want. A blank profile? "They pre-ghosted you."

5. Make the time. Effective dating takes about 10 to 15 hours a week, online or off.

And remember: a matchmaker can find someone with the right qualities, but your dating skills decide whether it works and lasts. As Amari puts it, "You can't meet someone intentionally on accident."

How hypnotherapy helps with dating

I've used hypnotherapy myself, after my car was struck by lightning, but I'd never thought of it for love.

Amari explains that hypnosis is a normal state we slip into every day, like being "in the zone" or driving on autopilot. He describes the subconscious as running about 95% of our lives, which is where our habits and old memories live.

In a session, he helps clients relax and trace a block, like dating anxiety, back to the first time it was triggered. Then they can process the emotions that never got processed, so the past stops hijacking the present.

Love bombing vs. a generous heart

I'm a natural gift giver, so I had to ask: is that love bombing?

Not necessarily. Love bombing is manipulation: someone showering you with affection they never plan to follow through on, often followed by the other shoe dropping. It's a common tactic for people with narcissistic traits.

But love and infatuation naturally make us generous. Sometimes someone is generous early on, then gets to know the real you and realizes you're not a fit. That's disappointing, but it isn't love bombing.

How to stay out of the fantasy

The real danger is falling for the fantasy instead of the person. Amari's tips:

• Get offline fast. Try to schedule a real date within a couple of days of matching. Otherwise, it's like reading a book and being let down by the movie.

• Notice the difference between excitement and anxiety. Our brains aren't great at telling them apart.

• Let consistency calm you. With a consistent person, you'll feel calmer over time. If you keep feeling anxious, it may be because they haven't given you reason to feel safe.

Here's a beautiful self-check he shared: How easily do you accept compliments? Love is the biggest compliment we can receive. How you handle small compliments predicts how well you can receive love.

Love is spiritual, and it should be playful

Amari sees love as a spiritual experience in itself. And he believes play makes everything work. We learn, heal and connect faster when we play.

To keep passion alive, he shares three building blocks:

1. Novelty. Around the two-year mark, newness wears off. Keep it alive by doing new things together: new restaurants, cities, books and classes.

2. Curiosity. Your partner keeps changing. Stay curious about who they are now. Flirting is simply making someone feel seen, heard and valued.

3. Emotional arousal. Do activities that get your hearts pumping together, like dancing, hiking or a roller coaster. The excitement transfers to your partner.

Rapid-fire love advice

• Best first date question: "What's something you could talk about endlessly, with no notes?" You'll see what lights them up.

• Biggest red flag: On the apps, an empty profile. While dating, someone who doesn't respect a boundary you've clearly stated.

• An internal red flag: If you keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners, "that's not a supply chain issue, that's a choice issue."

• Best green flag: Someone who can apologize when they make a mistake and give you grace when you do.

• Love is: Commitment, connection, chemistry and consistency.

Love isn't luck. It's something you can learn, grow into and enjoy when you set the intention and show up for it.

Connect with Amari Ice

• Free dating skill quiz: datingskillquiz.com

• Instagram, YouTube and social: @PrinceAmari

• Book: Lasting Love at Last

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Sending love, remembrance, faith, and creativity,